Birth Trauma: Am I Less of a Mother for Having a C-Section?

This feeling has been gnawing on me for years. Every time I would scroll Instagram and see a post about a baby being born, someone else’s baby’s birthday, or god forbid a story of a “magical” birth, my body would clench… Why is this happening? 

I have three kids and they all came into the world via a C-section. Even though my intention was to give birth to them naturally, the way nature intended, it didn’t happen that way. I am very thankful for my healthy kids and I love them (obviously I do, why do we, mothers, need to make this disclaimer, as if someone might accuse us of not loving our children?). I managed to stuff all my birth trauma into one box and hid it in a far away dark corner of my soul closet. 

Until I became AWARE of a conclusion I was drawing out of this entire experience:

Because my kids didn’t enter the world “naturally”, but via a C-section, I am not a good mother. 

(I am very good at drawing conclusions like that! Check out my story about how I equated playing a musical instrument to talent and how it prevented me from any creative expression). 

Don’t you see the logic here? My kids’ births were not perfect and because of that I’m a bad mother. On the other hand, the women on Instagram who had magical births, are good mothers.

At the end of last year I realized that it was time to get that box out of the closet, and get the courage to open it up and process it.

A friend of mine was pregnant at the time and I got the honor of photographing and filming her Mother Blessing Ceremony. I was trying to steady my camera as I was sobbing through the experience. It was a beautiful gathering of closest friends and family who came together to celebrate the upcoming arrival of baby Joy into the world.

I enjoyed the event immensely but it also brought up a lot of emotions because: 

• I did not have a ceremony like that… 

• I did not have people come bless my belly, and rub cornmeal on my feet to honor me… 

• I did not have friends caress my face with a fragrant rose… 

• I did not write a song dedicated to my child… 

• I did not have people sit in circle and sing that song in unison…

• I did not…. 

(am I just a jealous bitch?)

For me, once again, this confirmed my notion of being a “bad mother”. All good mothers have motherhood initiation and mother blessing ceremonies, don’t they?

Amy and I talked about my birth trauma and I was hired to be Amy’s birth photographer. The plan was for me to capture the magic of Joy’s birth at home (Amy is a good mother all around) AND for me to attempt to heal and process my own birth experiences. 

Witnessing the birth of Amy’s daughter Joy was healing and triggering and elating all at once. It was a testament to the power of a woman’s body and it was amazing to witness that.

When attempting to understand WHY I am disappointed about my birth experience, I dug up where the suffering comes from. It comes from this:

1. Comparing my birth to a “perfect” birth.

2. Attachment to having my birth be a certain way.

3. A belief that a C-section is an “easy” birth.

Comparing my birth to a “perfect” birth

My first birth experience did not go the way I envisioned it. We all want what’s best for our babies, and an unmedicated natural birth is what’s considered best for the child. With my first child, my intention was to give birth naturally.

For context, here’s how my three births unfolded.

1st baby: scheduled C-section because the doctor said the baby was breach.

2nd baby: scheduled C-section. I considered doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section), but the way the doctor presented the risk statistic (or the way I understood it), pushed me to opt for a C-section. 

3rd baby: emergency C-section after attempted VBAC. I wanted to experience natural birth and everything seemed to be going “according to plan”, but at a certain point in labor, I developed a fever and the baby’s heart rate started dropping. I did not have a doula and a big support team, which could have made a difference in how my birth went. 

When I was pregnant with my first child, my doctor told me that the baby was lying head up in the womb. She was considered a breach, and because of that I would have to have a C-section.

The doctor did give me some exercises to do for the baby to turn, and I did them. When I went in for an other ultrasound, the nurse technician told me that the baby had turned! I was overjoyed at the fact that I could experience the process of natural childbirth.

When I returned the following week for another visit, the doctor took me to the ultrasound room.  He performed the ultrasound himself, with no nurse in the room, and told me that the baby turned head up again.

I had never seen a doctor do an ultrasound himself. Years later, looking at that experience, I wonder if what he told me was the truth. We will never find out. I eventually left that doctor, but it was my first child and I was naive. I went in for a scheduled C-section. 

There are a lot of people saying this way or that way is better for the baby, there are a lot of people who are against modern medicine. There is this unseen unspoken pressure for an unmedicated birth in a tub at home. And of course, vaginal birth is better because of the bacteria in the birth canal that helps the baby.

Of course we want what’s best for the baby. And because I did not have a vaginal birth, I feel like I’m not measuring up to this standard of birthing perfection.   

Attachment to Having My Birth Be a Certain Way

Whenever you attach yourself to a specific outcome, if things work out NOT the way you envisioned, there is disappointment. My birth was NOT what I thought it would be like, but I think even with natural births it is often not what we paint it to be. So there may be a slew of emotions there, from sadness and disappointment to joy, obviously.

There definitely was fear in my decision because the doctor painted the C-section experience to be a safer way for both me, the mother, and the child. On top of that, looking back at the experience, there is some anger and resentment at the doctor who possibly lied to me. Having a scheduled surgery at 7 am in the hospital is much more convenient than being woken up at 3 am and not knowing when the baby will actually see the light of the world. 

I think most first-time moms go into the experience thinking it will be a beautiful rollercoaster on a rainbow with unicorns along the way.

Everyone wants an easy fast birth but not everybody gets that. Some women are in labor for 24 hours. Did they envision it that way? I doubt it. I suppose that’s the beauty of a huge lesson in the birthing experience – letting go, flowing with it, and letting it unfold the way it is meant to. 

When I was attempting to give birth to my third child, my son, vaginally, the birth did not go as I envisioned. Had I had a doula and other women supporting me through labor, I might have been able to do it myself. If I hadn’t been strapped to the bed by a baby’s heartrate monitor and could have walked around, it might have been a different experience. Many things contributed to creating the birth trauma. The biggest one among them was the fact I didn’t know…

• I didn’t know that having a doula really makes a difference in your birthing experience.

• I didn’t know that I could tell the hospital that I will get up and walk around and they must honor my wishes.

• I didn’t know that if too much time elapses after the water breaks, it’s not good for the baby. 

• I didn’t know and now I cannot go back and change those things…. 

My husband thinks I’m crazy. He reminds me that the important thing is the outcome: we have three beautiful healthy children who are so loved. And it is to true, it is a blessing. 

A C-section is an Easy Birth 

Lastly, I see a C-section as an “easy” birth. You don’t go through the agony of contractions, and the feeling of your vagina bursting and your asshole popping out. You don’t suffer. (Uuu, did I just uncover a limiting belief there? If you don’t suffer, you don’t deserve it? Or it’s not the RIGHT way?)

With a C-section, you show up in the hospital at 5 am, they do your pre-op IV while you lie in a cold room, and at 6:58 am you are holding your baby in your sweet embrace.  

This “easy” birth, by the way, is considered a major surgery. The doctor cuts through your skin, takes out your intestines, cuts through the uterus, the amniotic sac, takes out the baby, then puts everything back, and stitches you up. You pee into a bag and can’t poop for a few days. On top of that, you heal for the next couple of months. Which part of it is exactly easy?

I think both vaginal birth and a C-section are not easy births. I don’t know what’s easy about the whole motherhood experience… Deciding what color to paint your nursery? Even that requires mental power so even that’s not easy! 

Language That Can Contribute to Creating Birth Trauma

When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I met with a midwife, because I wanted a better birth experience the second time around. She eventually referred me to a wonderful doctor who, even though a modern medicine practitioner, was more open to respecting women’s wishes and not pressuring them into convenient-for-him ways.

But one thing she said about the C-section was this: with a C-section, the birth doesn’t happen on baby’s terms: someone fling opens the door open and rips the baby out of the coziness of the mother’s womb into a brightly lit surgery room.

Now, how the fuck am I supposed to feel good as a mother after that description???

The words we use are important. And if I paint my birth experience in those words, it will not help anyone, not me, not my children. The same experience can be described in different words, giving it a different shading, and some people want to paint modern doctors to be these evil creatures, and wording like this helps achieve that. But I choose not to subscribe to that. 

(And maybe I’m just too impressionable, and that’s why I perceive the world this way?)

The reason I decided to write this story is because I didn’t want to have my stomach tie up in knots every time I saw a reel of Taylor Swift dancing with a caption “this is how you feel after an unmedicated home birth”. And I know I’m a fucking weirdo because many women I know had C-sections and they are perfectly happy with the experience they’ve had and the thought of “less of a mom” doesn’t even shadow their mind.

These women don’t feel their babies were “ripped out of their uterus” and brought into the world. So this is my way of processing it, and if this helps someone, it makes me happy.

Healing a Birth Trauma 

As I was unpacking the whole birthing experience with the beautiful mother whose birth I photographed AND who is a holistic therapist and friend (and whose videos you can watch here), here’s my action plan for healing around this:

I need to forgive myself, others and the whole situation.

I did not know better, I didn’t ask for a second opinion, both I and my husband (and I!) had fears.

In order for me to accept and forgive, I need to work through the emotions that I have in relation to this experience. It is sadness of it being not what I envisioned, it is anger at the doctor, anger at myself for not knowing better, it is resentment towards the doctor who did what was convenient for him, resentment at the midwife who said the baby gets “ripped out” of me, it is jealousy of other women who had an unmedicated home birth, it is the grief of not being able to go back and redo the experience…

What does “working through” these emotions look like? I see journaling, talking about it with a trusted friend. I also read somewhere that movement, like dance or yoga, are great for processing emotions because we store some many of them in our bodies.

I can also practice gratitude and trusting that everything happens the way it should be. I can remind myself that my babies came into the world the way they were supposed to. They are healthy and happy and that’s what matters.

Once I process these emotions, I can forgive and accept.

Another useful reminder is to know that MY EXPERIENCE was perfect for me and my children. There’s no reason to panic or get worked up every time I see someone sharing about their experience, no matter how “perfect” it was. Their experience is their experience, and when they say comparison is a thief of joy, it is!

Scientists say comparison is an evolutionary tool that helps us gauge how we are doing, but in the modern world it rarely serves as a tool for positive transformation.

Even though this blog is not focused solely on motherhood and childbirth, but rather on our journey through life as women, this story was an important one for me to share.

I am curious to know if I’m the only crazy woman who thinks these things? I’m curious to know about your birth experience and thoughts around it. Please share in the comments or send me a private message.

This issue falls into the category of one of those things that you don’t just take care of once and they are done and gone. Just like it took my time for my C-section scar to heal, it will take time for my birth trauma to heal. May this story be the beginning of it for me and for you, if you need it.

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs and Find Joy in Life

What are limiting beliefs?

Limiting beliefs are beliefs we have about ourselves and the world. Also referred to as self-limiting beliefs, or self imposed limitations, these are not “the sky’s the limit” type of beliefs, but the opposite of that.

Limiting beliefs often start with “I am not…” or “I can’t ….” or “I will never ….” and usually state that you cannot do something. Take a look at some

Examples of limiting beliefs:

I am not flexible.

I can’t write.

I am not photogenic.

I’m not good at math.

I will never make it as an artist. 

I don’t have time.

All good men are taken.

I don’t have what it takes to be a successful entrepreneur.  

I like to think of limiting beliefs as putting yourself into a box, and then putting a label on top of it. I’ll illustrate that with a story in a little bit. 

Characteristics of limiting beliefs:

First of all, limiting beliefs are usually FALSE.

For example, if you didn’t do well in math at school, it doesn’t mean you are not good at it. You were probably one of twenty-some students in the class and the teacher could not have possibly given you individual attention. If you had a private tutor who had poured time and energy into you to make sure you understood the material, the outcome of the math situation might have been different. 

On top of that, if you actually got excited about math and practiced a lot, would you still say you are not good at math? Of course not! You would have evidence that would confirm the “I’m good at math” narrative.

Therefore, the statement “I”m not good at math” is simply not accurate and not true because the amount of INPUT was not adequate for a different result. 

The second reason limiting beliefs suck is because they affect how we manifest and we end up MANIFESTING more of the NONSENSE that we actually don’t want!

For example, just because online dating hasn’t been working out for you, does not mean that all men on dating apps are jerks. I know it’s hard to remain positive when life has shown you over and over again the evidence of the contrary, but… In a situation like this I’d prefer to avoid using a limiting belief statement of “all men are jerks”, because then my language and thinking manifest more of that into my life. 

The third characteristic of limiting beliefs is that they KEEP YOU SAFE. It sounds like a good thing, but it’s not. Everything worth having lies on the other side of discomfort and fear.

If you want to live wholeheartedly, as Brene Brown says, there will be friction. Friction of hard work, facing fears and showing up. If you keep listening to the voice of limiting beliefs, you won’t get anywhere. In a little bit we will uncover the true nature of limiting beliefs that will make it easier to overcome them. 

The good news about limiting beliefs is that, just like a sticker you put on a journal or a label you affix to a box, they can be removed. Some are easier to peel off, while others are nasty clingers that will require some spiritual Goo-gone to be rid of permanently. 

Check out my story.

While growing up in the Soviet Union, many of my classmates in elementary school went to a music school. There, for years, several times a week, they learned to play piano. As a daughter of a busy teacher of physics and astronomy, I signed myself up for dance lessons and started going to dance school.

When at a certain point, my mom asked me if I wanted to play piano, I told her: I have dance four times a week, when can I possibly play piano? (Seriously, what else was i doing at the age of 8, i could’ve fit in ten more activities!) Other parents didn’t ask their kids, they just made them go there. My mom asked, and I turned out that opportunity.  

Somewhere along the way, I started perceiving people who knew how to play a musical instrument as talented. I never learned how to play piano, therefore, I had no talent. This limiting belief of “I’m not talented” = “I am not creative” stayed with me for years. 

This brings us to the next point, 

Where do limiting beliefs come from?

Limiting beliefs can come from anywhere. As I observe my daughters, 9 and 7, interact, I notice some labeling in the way they speak. “Oh, I can’t jump high”, “I’m a slow reader”, or “I’m not flexible”.

As they are growing up and making sense of the world AND themselves, labeling helps them understand where they belong (I’m not a scientist, don’t quote me on that).

I am also pretty certain that many of the labels they stick on themselves are the ones their mommy or daddy wear. 

Just like in the story above, my limiting belief formed in childhood. I have made a false connection in my mind between being able to play a musical instrument (something that requires owning a musical instrument, skill, discipline, thoughtful instruction, or having someone who can teach you, AND constant practice) with talent. I then managed to extrapolate from the “I’m not talented” to “I cannot create”, because, again, I made an erroneous assumption that you MUST posses talent in order to create. 

Thinking about all of this logically now is one thing. HAVING PROOF that it is not true because I became a self-taught photographer and create what others call stunning images is living proof that I CAN CREATE.

Some people say I have a gift, but i don’t know if it is so. The skills in photography came to me because I was seeking out ways to learn, practiced, read, attended workshops, did lots of photoshoots and that’s how I got to where I am today. 

Talent usually accounts for about 2% of what determines the outcome of a situation. So if “I’m not talented” or “I’m not creative” is holding you back from trying your hand at something you feel drawn to, I urge you to stop it right now. 

Limiting beliefs can also come from “well wishers” who might have dropped a careless comment about you.

A friend of mine confided that she always wanted to play guitar. When she was a kid and she went to the only music teacher in the only music school in her town, the teacher carelessly took her hand, sifted through her fingers, and said, “No, your fingers are too weak for guitar. You can’t play it. I can offer you a balalaika instead.”

That little girl grew up, she is now 34, and still carries the hurtful words of an insensitive teacher with her. 

Life itself sometimes gives us numerous situations that are evidence of that thing. To preserve energy, we create a label “I’m this or that” and carry it around as a badge of honor. But again, it all comes back to manifestation, and if that’s what we start to believe and say, we will see more evidence of it. 

How to overcome limiting beliefs. 

The first step in overcoming a limiting belief is AWARENESS that it is limiting you. 

Just like in overcoming addiction and getting sober, the first step is admitting that you have a problem. This step is usually the hardest because it requires SEEING.  

It is usually hard to have awareness because in a way, you must rise above the situation to be able to see it. And since we tend to get mired in our problems, it takes some courage and practice to do that. It wasn’t right away that I realized that I was using the phrase “I’m not creative” as a shield.

Which brings us to the next section.

To overcome a limiting belief, recognize it for what it is and what it does:

A limiting belief wants to be your friend. It wants to keep you safe. It wants to prevent you from falling on your face and embarrassing yourself. It’s like a thick padded blanket that you wrap yourself in AND THEN stick a label on yourself: I am not creative. Therefore, don’t ask me to get vulnerable and make something that others will laugh at. Save me the embarrassment by putting me in a category that doesn’t get asked to create. 

Seeing a limiting belief with such compassion, understanding that it is not an enemy, it just really wants to keep you out of harm’s way is a beautiful way to reframe it. 

A side note:

Some thoughts/beliefs you have about yourself may be true… If you are naturally more inclined toward something, or are naturally not good at something, RECOGNIZING that quality is so empowering. Knowing that something is not your strength gives you the power to rearrange the way you distribute energy, outsource that thing if you can, or learn how to live with it to focus on things you are good at. The important thing here, is to use empowering language.  

How can you tell an empowering statement from a limiting belief? A limiting belief carries a different vibe with it… It is almost as if you know you are supposed to be doing the thing that lies on the other side of effort and hard work, and there is an enormous amount of fear associated with it. With an empowering statement, there is calmness, and power associated with deep knowing of yourself. 

Actionable steps to overcome limiting beliefs 

• Write it out – from a voice in your head to a story you’ve been telling yourself.

• Surround yourself with the right people and community.

• Baby steps to build confidence and fight fear. 

• Release all expectations before you begin 

• Create a new persona and step into her. 

• Flood yourself with motivational content: podcasts, books, videos.

• Use affirmations to plant new beliefs.

Let’s take a look at each one of these items up close.

Write it Out – Get That Voice Out of Your Head 

A limiting belief is a little voice inside your head. Dress in all white, with a halo made of wire and cheap plastic wings, it is actually playing a devil’s advocate. It tries to be your friend but prevents you from stepping into your fullest expression. When the voice lives inside your head, you start perceiving what it says as reality.

If you take out a piece of paper and write down what that voice is telling you, you can start seeing it as a story instead. Just like a story I was telling myself about not being creative because I didn’t know how to play piano.

Show the story aka what the voice tells you to a trusted friend, therapist, life coach. Together you might be able to see what’s real. 

When I finally became aware of my limiting belief “I am not talented, I am not creative and therefore I cannot do photography”, it was life changing! The thing I did not mention is that I had been drawn to photography since my early twenties.

I would spend my last college money on fashion magazines and would pore over the images. I wouldn’t even read the articles! And it wasn’t my desire to be a super model. It was these photographs, photos of gorgeous models, their faces, the shadows, colors, that pulled me in and fascinated me.

I remember years later, when someone would ask me what I liked, I would tell them that I was drawn to photography. I even went to a local college to research a degree in Photography (because later I adopted another belief that “you need a degree/certification to practice art”)

The huge step in my overcoming my limiting belief was my neighbor Kimberly. I told her about my dreams and fears and she told me, “Why don’t you buy a digital camera and try it?”

Such a simple suggestions in response to years and years of mulling over, overthinking and being afraid. So simple yet so profound. 

It brings me to another powerful step in how to overcome your limiting beliefs:

Surround Yourself With the Right People

Surround yourself with the right people. It can be people who are more aware than you, more experienced in the field you feel drawn to, people you trust and respect who have achieved something. Building a community around yourself is going to be instrumental in your success in life. 

The next step is also difficult because we are moving away from thinking and conceptualizing to DOING. 

Small Actionable Steps Despite Fear to Build Confidence. 

The best remedy for fear is ACTION. Do it scared. There’s even a book about that! 

As someone who was drawn to photography, my first steps were to buy a digital camera. Seems simple, right? But from budgetary constraints to all the different makes and types, what do you choose? I did my research and ended up buying the same thing my neighbor Kimberly had (she is an entrepreneur, blogger, food photographer). The camera and accessories cost me about $600. Done. 

When that fancy camera came to my doorstep in an Amazon box, I was excited and overwhelmed. Finally, I can be a part of the photography world. But how in the world can I learn to use this thing with lots of buttons and dials?

To make this part easier for myself, I signed up for two classes at a local art school: Basics of Digital Photography and Introduction to Photoshop. Classes were held in person and one of my teachers looked like Santa Claus. Both classes taught me some basics and gave me confidence and encouragement to continue.

It was during the classes with Santa, who gave us assignments to photograph portraits, that I fell in love with photographing people. It was after doing photoshoots with a friend and my husband in an attempt to practice AND then seeing their reactions to the final photos that I knew I was hooked. 

Going into exploring photography, what helped a lot was not having any expectations. I had no timeline, I had no idea of how this photography journey was supposed to look like, I just went with it. 

Releasing Expectations

Letting go of attachment to outcome and releasing notions of how things “should be” is so liberating. Your journey is unique to you, therefore, don’t compare yourself to others.

Scientist say that we compare ourselves to others to quickly gauge how we are doing. Are we similar to everyone else, are we better, are we worse? The problem is that we rarely take into consideration the other, “invisible” factors. I remember comparing myself to other photographers on Instagram, or thinking that I need an art degree to be a “real” photographer.

The best tip here would be to stay in your lane, focus on what you need to do, and chip away. Stay curious without expectations and see where the journey leads you! 

Creating a Persona to Become The Most Amazing Version of You

Another thing that helped me step into my artist was creating an alter ego persona for the person I wanted to become.

The truth is, the persona had already been created a couple years ago. One time I met a woman who impressed me so much with her confidence, her ability to hold everyone’s attention and to captivate the room, that I named my alter ego after her – Francesca. She struck me so much with the power that she had that I wanted to become her. 

Francesca was confident, spoke unrushed, and possessed the air about her that made everyone stop and hang onto her every word. And when it was time for me to choose a name for my photography business, I wanted two words to be a part of it: Francesca – my alter ego name, and “bliss” – which is what I experienced when I did photography. My friend suggested the name Francesca Bliss. 

I was scared because I would be a double impostor – not a real artist AND using a fake name. But I went with it. Some may say that having an alter ego/artist name is pretending to be someone else, or hiding behind a name. For me it was the opposite. For me it was stepping into my power more fully. Because Francesca wasn’t afraid. Francesca could wear and be whatever she wanted to be that day and she didn’t care about what other people would say. If she woke up one day and decided to become whatever, she would and she would have no qualms about it, no impostor syndrome, and nobody, I repeat nobody would doubt her ability because ot the way she carried herself and that inner confidence and power that radiated twelve feet out of body. 

Having that alter ego persona, that artist. Francesca Bliss, allowed me to step into her, if only in my thoughts and when scripting scenarios for possible interactions. Channeling my inner artist while for a time setting aside my self-imposed limitations and fears, helped me blossom into the artist I am today. 

Flood Yourself With Positivity

Overcoming limiting beliefs is essentially work in changing how you think, changing your subconscious beliefs. Therefore, immersing yourself in  positivity and inspiring, motivational content is the way to go. I love listening to podcasts and reading books to accomplish that. 

The only word of caution I have about consuming motivational content is this. Be sure to dedicate some time to the DOING as well as learning about doing, which is what we do when we read and watch others talk about it. Unless you take action, and do stuff, you will not get far. I like to listen to podcasts when I drive or go for a walk, while at other times, when I can, I focus on doing. 

As part of flooding yourself with positivity, visual affirmations are great everyday reminders. I created these sticker affirmations for women that don’t allow me to forget the divine power that is within me. Women like to put them on laptops, journals, water bottles, and so on. 

You can also write down positive affirmations and read them aloud daily. The important thing is not just to say them aloud, but to attach some emotion, feeling, or faith to these statements. 

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs is a Way to More Joy in Life

Self-limiting beliefs often hold us back from living in our fullest expression. Many of the things we believe are not fully accurate, or may have been acquired as a result of someone’s negative comment. Challenging limiting beliefs is a great way to free yourself and fully step into living your life’s purpose.

It is stepping more fully into becoming the person you were meant to be, the person the Universe, God, Life wants you to be. It is stepping into your power so you can fully share your gifts and live a life filled with meaning and JOY. 

The steps in overcoming limiting beliefs are surrounding yourself with the right people, taking small actionable steps to build self-confidence, surrounding yourself with the right resources and tools to achieve whatever you set out to achieve. 

On a personal note, overcoming a self-limiting belief of “I’m not creative” opened the door to a world of art and transformed my life. I am a firm believer that the reason I was able to overcome my alcoholism addiction this time around was because of art!

The void that I used to fill up with alcohol got filled up with creativity and allowed me to be and feel whole, and complete. As if creativity healed that gap that was within me and allowed me to get in touch with MYSELF, what’s important for me, WHO I AM. 

Overcoming made up stories of the mind, one thought at a time, we can step more fully into who we are. Aside from being a mother and wife, an entrepreneur, I get to make art, create, and that gives me so much JOY and I want the same for you. ♥

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can you boost confidence through creativity?

"Women have amazing feminine intuition. It's sweet, playful, sexy, authentic, and our super power. It's a deep down trusted KNOWING.

When not nourished and forgotten, it sounds something like this:

”I don't have a creative bone in my body”, or "I don't have any good ideas." which in turn creates "I don't trust my gut feelings" or my original ideas are not worthy"... "I am not worthy".

This is the beginning of a post by a client for whom I did a branding photoshoot, ArtSea Living studio, a space which provides a safe place for women to explore their creativity.

How true, I thought to myself.

I think whenever we say "I am not [positive adjective]" or "I am [negative adjective]", we limit ourselves.

Labels we stick on ourselves.

Take, for example, a phrase "I am not flexible".

Let's say, you cannot touch your toes, bend yourself into a pretzel, do a handstand, or do other impressive poses that experienced yogis can. By the way, pictured here in a pretzel pose is one of my amazing clients, a yoga goddess named Kesley (you can read about her photoshoot by clicking on the photo).

What would happen if you practiced regularly, say by stretching three times a week, maybe taking a yoga class now and then, or maybe by committing to a regular schedule of yoga classes? If you committed to gaining strength and practicing hand stands (my personal dream), for a period of three months, how would it change you? Do you think stretchability of your muscles would change? Even if after a year of regular yoga classes, if you still can't do a split or touch your toes, do you think you would dare to say about your body "I am not flexible"?

I don't think so.

The same applies to people who say "I am not creative". Sometimes it's easier to slap a label onto ourselves that says "I am not this or that" so we can avoid the vulnerability (aka embarrassment) of having to show up and try ourselves in that thing. By stating "I am not creative" I save myself the embarrassment of creating something that resembles a drawing of a five-year old that people would laugh at.

The crazy thing is that these notions of negative "I ams" and "I am nots" come from very strange places! I used to be the person who described herself as "not creative" or "not talented". I had been drawn to photography for years, but the "I am not creative" label I adopted kept me from trying my hand at it. Do you know where the notion came from?

You see, when I was growing up in the Soviet Union, many of my classmates attended music school where they learned to play piano or violin. I somehow managed to get myself into dance lessons, which I attended four times a week. When my mom asked me if I wanted to learn how to play piano, I told her "How could I possibly fit that into my schedule?" The answer of my ten-year-old self was “no”. As a result, I never learned how to play piano, and I also never became a dancer.

Later on life I started regarding people who knew how to play a musical instrument as "talented" and since I did not learn how to play one, I was not talented, and therefore was not creative.

Do you see how erroneous that thinking is?

Another thing about creativity is that sometimes people think about creativity and art as something reserved for the special few. They think of art as something requiring a degree or diploma that grants you a permission to do it. I was also one of those people! Since I did not have a degree in photography, who was I to practice it and, god forbid, call myself a photographer?!

The truth is (according to me and many others) creativity is something we ALL have access to. It is in our bones, it is our birthright. Just watch how little kids play and you will see that you don't need a piece of paper certifying your creativity for you.

Try saying “I AM creative”, “I have access to the infinite source of inspiration and creativity”, “Creativity is my birthright” and see how it feels in your body.

For me personally, finding photography as my creative outlet gave me more confidence as a person. I feel safe in expressing myself, though I would be lying to you if I said it happened overnight. It has been a process, it still is. (There is also a notion of assigning a lot of my worth to the identity of an artist/creator, but that’s a topic for another story…)

creativity is not reserved for art only.

Creativity is something that we get to practice anywhere in our life, it’s not reserved for creating art only. How you decorate your home, prepare your food, the clothes and accessories you wear and even the way you talk are all forms of expression, CREATIVE expression!

Phrases like "I am not creative" or "I am not flexible" can keep you cozy in the safety of a comfort zone.
They help build a soft padded wall that protects from requests to try something new. It is also a static mindset. "I am not flexible" means that I have been cast into a solid mold and I cannot break free from it.

I believe the LANGUAGE we use greatly affects the perception of our abilities and capabilities, therefore it is best to avoid phrases that cast us into impossibility mode (aka victim mode).

Since we are talking about labels, do you know what most clients tell me about themselves before a photoshoot?

You may have heard it or you may even use it to describe yourself.

I AM NOT PHOTOGENIC.

This phrase means whenever I look at photos of myself, I never like any of them. We don't bother to mention that the photos were taken from the wrong angle, in bad lighting, in a really unflattering pose, by a person who has zero understanding of what’s visually appealing. We just slap a label on ourselves saying "I am not photogenic". As a professional photographer, I can assure you that I can make anyone look photogenic!

If “I am not photogenic” is a label you often use, I invite you to throw it in the garbage. You don’t need it anymore!

One of the reasons a Goddess Photoshoot is an empowering experience for women, is because of the CREATIVE PLAY element inherent in it.

Most of the women I photograph are not professional models. I don’t expect them to know how to pose. To help women look their best I gently guide them through the posing process, suggesting this or that pose, near this tree or holding that leaf.

What happens most of the time is that after we photography for some time, women start listening to their intuition and they start creating poses and ideas themselves! They might be shy at first, I encourage them to follow the hunch and we see where it leads us. Creative play is trying this pose hugging a tree, and then maybe shifting a pose a little bit, and a little more, and the next thing you know, you are climbing the tree, feeling powerful and free, and we create a series of amazing images.

Check out this video, if you are curious to learn more about a Goddess Photoshoot and what you can expect during one.

Removing all the "I am nots" and negative "I ams" from our lives is a way to free ourselves.

It is committing to a growth mindset, trusting and knowing that you can morph yourself into whatever version of yourself you desire. It is knowing that most of the things in life are skills, just like riding a bike or driving a car, that can be learned or cultivated, practiced and honed (creativity is one of them!) And once you have that knowing that you can be anything, how powerful is that?

And to answer the question posed in the title of this story, YES, YOU CAN! Add more creativity to your life and see what impact it has. Good luck!

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I hope you enjoyed reading my ramblings inspired by a social media post of a client. What is your experience with creativity? How do you express yourself creatively, how has that changed your life? Let me know in the comments or send me a message, I would love to hear from you!

why making your dreams a reality is scary - my Paris story

The closest I have ever been to France is a French bakery. A place where I can practice my bonjour and merci beaucoup and pretend I am in France.

I have been enamored with the French language since young age. At the university, I missed the day there were forming foreign language groups, and a friend of mine signed me up for Japanese. "There were not enough people for a French group anyway, and out of Japanese and Korean, I thought Japanese would be a cool language to know." It wasn't until my late thirties when I started taking French lessons. I find this language so sexy and beautiful that I could listen to someone recite the multiplication table and not get bored.

And of course, it has been a dream to visit Paris. The city of lights that every girl dreams of. It didn’t bother me that this dream was not unique to me.

But here is a surprising thing I learned about reaching for my dream and making it a reality.

A few days ago my friend Sasha invited me to celebrate her birthday in Paris. She said the airfare was cheap and we could split accommodations with another girlfriend of hers who would come with us.

(This is Sasha. Look how stylish and cool she is. She is even wearing a French t-shirt. Am I even cool enough to go to Paris?)

Here it is, my dream, within reach. No, wait, it can't be. Let me ask husband first. Husband says, "YES, please go!" Oh wow. Full permission to  take and behold my dream, how... scary is that? 

What I felt was FEAR. I told Sasha I was coming, still not believing that it was happening, still apprehensive, and only when she said she bought the tickets, I felt that  "now it's a done deal, I have no choice but to go, so I better start preparing myself psychologically."

Why was I scared? It's Paris, the city of lights, with its endless cafes, well-dressed people and the French language on every corner. It is the Eiffel Tower and Champs Elysee, and endless museums. It is inspiration in every lamp post, history of centuries ago whispering to me through the buildings. Why be afraid of what you DREAMT about, what you WANTED, what you WISHED for?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is the comfort zone that doesn't want to let me go. The comfort zone is soo cozy and our psyche wants to keep us in the familiar and known territory. As much a dream is something desirable, it is UNKNOWN. And if it is unknown, it is scary. And if it is scary, of course you shouldn't do it. 

When a dream is just a dream, it is wrapped up in pretty wrapping paper with a bow on top, neatly tucked away on a shelf. It is somewhere on the top shelf where you can see it, and point at it from time to time to your guests who come to visit. And it sits there, slowly collecting dust, and when you do take it down from there to examine it, you wonder if you ever get to unwrap it and look what's inside. And maybe you even convince yourself that having this pretty wrapped up box IS enough. After all, you can brag about it and everyone can tell how pretty it is. And maybe what's inside is a can of worms, and you might not even like it. Let's put this baby back on the upper shelf again  and admire it from afar.

That's what it felt like for me. 

What I told myself is that I WILL DARE to unwrap it. I DO WANT to see what's INSIDE. Life is not a rehearsal and this is it. I don't know when I will have a chance to go to Paris again. Flying there with our entire family of five is definitely more expensive than me going solo in a company of Ukrainian girls. And maybe if it wasn't up to Sasha, I would wait many years to go visit the city of my dreams, and by then I would be an old wrinkled lady. An old lady with short white hair, smiling at the bustling Parisian life and thinking to myself, "Why the hell didn't I come here sooner? What's the point of all this now?" You know, how people get bitter as they get older in life and teach everyone how to live and say things like "when I was younger..." Who cares about Paris at that age anyway?

Sasha asked me to send her my passport info. There was still hope that this was not meant to be. If my passport is expired, I wouldn't be able to go. 

Upon checking I discovered that the passport expires in seven years from now. I took it as a sign.

Sasha booked our tickets and found a cozy little apartment for us to stay in. I booked the AirBnB and the confirmation read, "Congratulations, you are going to Paris!" 

It is happening. It really IS HAPPENING.

I am proud of myself for acting in spite of my fear. Words mean a lot to me and I decided to switch from saying "it is scary" to IT IS UNKNOWN. Because it is unbeknownst to me, this magical city of Paris that every girl dreams of. 

Why do I dream of going there? Will something be revealed to me there? What will it be like? The mind, or the ego, wants certainty, but it will all be revealed once I get there. 

One thing that I know for sure is that this trip will EXPAND me. When I first thought of going there, with all the uncertainties, I felt that if a trip to Paris is possible for me, then anything is possible. We can plan, save up, research, do and make shit happen. I will be leaving my three children with my husband, so I will need to let go of control and practice surrender, having faith, and growing as a result of this. I am teaching my children self-love - Mommy is going to Paris to do something for herself. Oh, yeah, and we also want to pay a visit to Normandy, while we there!

Now the only thing left to do is go shopping for clothes, pack my suitcase and camera and show up to the airport two hours before our flight. Everything after that is just a giant leap of faith. I am open to experiencing, seeing, learning, being inspired or disappointed, being filled up or emptied, and experiencing a dream come true. A DREAM COME TRUE. How cool is that? 

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I typically use my own images for this website, but since I haven’t been to Paris yet, I have no photos to show and this story seemed so naked without visuals. I expanded my comfort zone by using free images from Pixabay to give you a glimpse of what I will be seeing on my trip. The goal is to update the blog with MY photo essay from Paris upon my return.

I am going to Paris!!!!! What????? Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!

Thank you for reading ♥

GODDESS PHOTOSHOOT STORIES

MY LIFE LEARNINGS:

What is a Goddess Photoshoot and what does it FEEL like? Watch this video to find out:

divine feminine power: what it is and 6 ways to step into yours

You know that feeling when you have your hair done? You feel magical, notice the attention you get from everyone, can’t stop admiring yourself in the mirror and even when you are NOT looking at your reflection in the mirror, you can’t help but smile because you KNOW that you totally ROCK? That feeling. Would you like more of that? 

You might also feel this way when you wear an outfit in which you know you look good and in which you FEEL CONFIDENT. There is this electrifying energy that comes FROM INSIDE OF YOU and people can’t help but SEE and FEEL it. 

When you feel all magical after a haircut or feel like a superhero when you are dressed for success, YOU ARE IN YOUR POWER!

When you are in your power, you are aware of your awesomeness. 

When you are in your power, you know that you are amazing and it shines so brightly that others KNOW it too. It’s like a blinding light that radiates from you that people simply cannot ignore. That’s what being in your power is. 

For me, being in my power means fully owning my talents, special gifts, knowledge, wisdom, and expertise. Growing up in the Soviet Union, talking about yourself in a positive way always meant bragging and it was not good. You were supposed to be like everyone else and not stick out.

Because of that, I learned to downplay my strong sides, and say that they are “nothing, not a big deal”, that “it is not me, it just happened to me, it is genetics or whatever”. When someone would say “You are so good with languages, it is incredible that you speak several of them”, I would say “Oh, with good teachers anyone can do that. Languages come easy to me, it is not a big deal.” 

Even now, when I seem to be doing much better in owning my power, when someone says “you are so talented”, I say, “no, i am not, it is not something that I do consciously, it is something that happens through me, i am just a vessel.”

Though there is a lot of truth in that last sentence when it comes to my creative process, owning my creativity and talents is exactly what being in my power means.

I am talented.

I am creative.

I am proud of myself.

I have worked hard to get to where I am (though it didn’t feel like hard work, more like creative play) and I will continue to grow. That’s what being in your power means.

“Being in my power means listening to my own voice over the voice of others & following through with my word on my beliefs.” another woman said. 

Being in your power means not being a victim of circumstances. You have the power to change either your actions, or at least your attitude so you are not in a victim role, ever. You don’t blame others for what happens to you, but you also don’t blame yourself, you just learn from the experience and move on. 

When you are in your power, you don’t use excuses to cover up your inability to do something. Instead, you find ways to do what you need to do. You don’t say “I can’t do this because of something that is outside of my control.” You say, HOW can I do it? Is there any way I can accomplish this?” 

As my mom used to say (in Russian), “Those who don’t want to do something, find reasons and excuses, those who want to do it, find ways and opportunities to do it. 

When you are in your power, you understand the power of the words you use. You say things with intention. Every word has meaning. You don’t say “I am trying to get in shape”, you say “I am getting in shape”. You also speak lovingly about yourself and your body. 

When you are in your power, you take good care of your body because you understand that you need your physical body to be capable of doing all the things you set out to do. You admire your body and thank it for all the simple yet wonderful things it enables you to do. 

So using simple language, you could say that being in your power is being CONFIDENT. 

Confident that you are smart, capable, beautiful, to do whatever you set out to accomplish. 

Confident that you are enough. 

Confident that you have all the talent, wisdom or access to resources that you need to complete a task. 

Confident that everything will work out well. 

Confidence is awesome, I just like the word POWER better because it’s more electrifying. It makes me think of 

MIGHT

DRIVE

ELECTRIC

PASSION

CHARGE 

ENERGY 

SUPERPOWER

AUTHORITY

POWERHOUSE

 POWER UP

When I taught American accent training to foreign students, one of the tips that I gave them was to EXAGGERATE their American accent when we were practicing. Because when they went back to speaking English in their everyday life, they would shrink back to about 30% of what they learned in class. So the more they exaggerated their American accent in class, the higher their chance was to sounding more American in everyday interaction. 

The same with being in your power and confidence. The more passionate you are about your talents and positive traits in front of a bathroom mirror, the higher the chance you will actually speak and act confidently in the real world. (A bathroom mirror is like our classroom :))

There is nothing wrong with the word “confidence”. But I feel like it is being shy of its accomplishments, that’s why we need to give it a boost and talk about electric words to get ourselves powered up. That’s why motivational speakers sound like they had a six pack of Red Bull or a pot of coffee when they teach. They need to energize you to their level so that you can affect change in your life. 

Only people who are PASSIONATE about something can affect change. Many humans seek the path of least resistance and to really affect change you have to be a real powerhouse that can get others to believe in what you believe. 

So I don’t invite you to become confident. 

I invite you to STEP INTO YOUR POWER. 

I invite you to put on your SUPERHERO outfit and follow your PASSION. Be the AUTHORITY to your clients if you have a business, be the LEADER to your followers. Use your ENERGY to live a full and rich life and by shining your light CONFIDENTLY this way, you will give the permission to many others to step into their POWER. 

(Uff… I feel like I just ran a marathon. Being a motivational speaker is not easy :))

Check out this video to learn more about the Goddess Photoshoot and how it can help you connect to your divine feminine power:

Here are few simple ways to step into your power:

1. Move your body, literally electrify your body through walking, dancing, doing some yoga, running outside with your kids

2. Make a list of all the qualities that you admire or like in yourself, hang that list by the mirror and read it aloud to yourself when you look in the mirror daily. 

3. When someone pays you a compliment, don’t rush to answer it. Hear it, digest it, and think whether what you are about to say downplays your role in it, or if it affirms your special efforts, or talents. Remember, OWN YOUR AWESOMENESS. 

4. Be mindful of how you speak. Use empowering language that sets you up for success, talk lovingly about your body, never make self-degrading comments even if jokingly. 

5. Have a digital portrait of yourself created. Basically, you email your photo to a digital artist and she creates a piece of art in which you are depicted as a goddess, superhero, whatever you want to be. Check out my girl Katie for this service. This one requires a larger investment that the previous tips, but it is totally worth it, 

6. Have professional photos of yourself taken. Another way of stepping into your power that costs money but that can enhance your life in so many ways. Having an artist create portraits of you so you can see how powerful and beautiful you already are, so you can admire yourself and see how the world sees you. Have your portraits printed and display them in your house for a daily reminder of your amazingness. You can also use these photos for your social media or website, if you have a business or service. 

When you are in your power, the sky’s the limit! When you have the confidence that you are enough, that you will succeed, even if it is on twentieth time, you boldly go in the direction of your dreams and create the life you want. By being in your power you give others the permission to do the same. By being the most unapologetic and strong version of you you are making the world a better place! If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the good of the world!

Now to you.

What does being in your power look like to you? Please share in the comments or send me a personal message.

With love and gratitude, 

Francesca Bliss

life lessons from a chicken

My husband promised our daughters (6.5 and 5 years old) baby chicks when we got to Turkey. His father, the Turkish grandpa, got two hens before we came here. The girls named them Raspberry and Chocolate.

One afternoon I noticed a box in the chicken coop. It had holes in it for air.

I told Lila (my five-year-old) there was someone in the box and we should let them out so they don’t suffocate. We opened the box and let out a very fluffed up white rooster and a giant white hen with some rust stained feathers.

The rooster got whiter over time and we named him Snowball. The hen got even rustier, but we still named her Marshmallow.

The new hen, the one that came in the same box with the rooster, was very big. At times, she challenged the rooster. She was the first one to chase away the cat when it came near. “This hen has balls” we thought. My husband and I didn’t even call her Marshmallow anymore, we called her Alpha Female. And I was so proud that this girl was standing up for herself in the animal kingdom.

One late night, when we came back from a two-day road trip, the grandpa, who normally goes to sleep with the chickens, was still up to greet us. He was so excited!

“I have a surprise for you, kids!" he said.

We all go outside to the chicken coop, the headlights of the car lighting it up.

“Two baby chicks have hatched!!!”

They were tiny, fluffy little things, you could fit them in the palm of your hand. Total cuteness overload not just for the kids, but for us, adults.

The next day another one hatched, and one more the next day. We now have four chicks! And if you want a visual definition of "smothering", watch these girls pick up the chicks every two minutes to play with them.

After another four-day road trip to Ankara, the capital, my husband asks, “Did you notice that the rooster’s voice got deeper while we were away?”

But as it turned out later, it wasn’t the rooster whose voice got deeper. It was the Alpha Female who was making that noise! She turned out to be a rooster!

“But her crest is so small, how can she be a rooster?” I asked.

“He is still growing, and his crest IS getting bigger, look." I didn’t know roosters don’t start crowing until they mature.

He pulls his neck down, forward and up and crows like a grandpa, a faint scratchy sound barely escaping his vocal chords. Then his crowing becomes more confident. Now we call her The Hen Who is Actually a Rooster. 

Why am I telling you this story? Well, first of all, it’s funny. Second, it teaches us a powerful lesson about life.

How often do we jump to conclusions that something is not working, that something oughta be a certain way but it’s not and we just give up on it?

I can especially relate to it as an entrepreneur. When at times I put so much into my business but there seems to be no growth, there’s no sound of it getting to the next level. And I can relate to it as an artist. When I am agonizing over wanting to get getter, learning, trying out new techniques, but don't see any improvement.
 

But in reality, growth happens.

Slow, incremental, almost invisible growth, that when compounded, helps you make a quantum leap into a full blown cock-a-doodle-dooing giant rooster.

We just got to be patient, allowing that inner growth to take place, observing it and continuing the work.


With love and gratitude,

Francesca Bliss

more of my personal stories:

how a little bit of creativity might infuse more JOY into your life

As I take a step back to have a better angle at my model -- a rosy, delicate pastry sitting atop a silver mirror-like platter, an unusual model for a portrait photographer, a door opens and a woman who works in this café comes out and throws a glance at my setup. Her eyes light up and she says, “ah, beautiful!” She must be in her thirties, half of her strawberry blond hair is shaved on the bottom, and the rest is tied into a messy ponytail on top. Her eyes are pale green and she wears glasses. She starts asking me questions and rambling on about something and I don’t even understand WHAT she is saying but I understand what she is FEELING: JOY.

And her feeling is familiar to me. I start wondering why people get so excited when they come in contact with the PROCESS of CREATION. Do you ever notice how people gather around an artist painting on the street, or a musician playing guitar in the town square? People are drawn to art, to the process of creation. And it gets me thinking about the book that I am reading right now by Julia Cameron called The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. Judging by the title alone, someone might think that this is a book for creators, someone who is already a writer, photographer, painter, but it is not so. I believe this book is for everyone who wants to experience (more) JOY in LIFE.

In her book the author invites everyone to do art just because it is FUN. Not because we want to become world-famous artists but because it is ENJOYABLE. And it is not even art per se, but doing activities that you have been dreaming of, things that you FEEL will make you happy but the things your rational mind is advising you against. By allowing our inner child creative play we get in touch with the creative Source, with what we truly want to do, and bring joy into our lives.

How many adults do things just because they are fun? People who are not in creative professions who allow themselves to paint, mold something out of clay, or take up a pottery class? It is rare. As a creative myself, whenever an idea strikes me, I get fired up for a moment and then the voice in my head says, “well, can you make money with it?” Or “can it give you fame?” How about doing it just because it is a great idea! And I am already in the creative profession! How many accountants or real estate agents say, “hey, I'm going to go get some beads in Michael’s and start making jewelry just because it feels good”?

The main premise of the book is that "WE ARE ALL CREATIVE and with the use of a few simple tools we can become more creative. Creativity is a spiritual practice. We have only to open ourselves up to the Great Creator working through us". It is not a philosophical or theoretical book that talks about creativity - it GIVES you SPECIFIC TOOLS to bring your creativity to life, the creativity that does exist in you, but might not have been given a chance to show itself. Just like you need to invest time into growing your muscles or making your body fit, you will need to invest time into become CREATIVE or more creative. But one promise I can make to you is that unbottling your creativity, ALLOWING yourself to FEEL JOY, will have a tremendous impact on your life.

Many people are, what the author calls them, BLOCKED CREATIVES. They are people who unknowingly do not allow themselves to express their creativity. You know, I used to be a blocked creative! In my early thirties I labeled myself as "not talented". It was clear: I didn't know how to play a musical instrument, I didn't do any crafts, hence, I had no talents. And even though I had been drawn to photography since I was in my early twenties, I didn't DARE to try photography because, clearly, “I had no talent”. And only when I quit drinking on April 18, 2013, about a month later, I bought a digital camera and signed up for a photography class at a local art school. (Actually, Julia Cameron, the author of the book, is a recovered alcoholic, too!)

Fear is holding many of us back because fear does not like change, it does not like the status quo to be challenged. Out of fear it is safer to stay creatively blocked, something that feels like an old comfy chair rather than venture into the unknown territory of exploring your creativity.

The concept of Creative Source may feel awkward to some, but the author invites us to have an open mind. She explains that by tuning into the frequency of the creative force around us we are capable of becoming more creative. I have been able to experience this first-hand. The reason I chose the name Francesca Bliss for my artist is because when I started photographing, it felt like it was not something that was being created by me, but instead, something that was happening THROUGH me.

When I see people who are obviously yearning for something, but don’t allow themselves to do it because they "don't have time", or "it is stupid", or "they can't earn a living with it", it makes my heart ache. One such person is as close to me as it gets. It is my husband.

Isaac is originally from Turkey, he has an amazing voice, sings beautifully, plays guitar, loves, I mean, LOVES, music, AND has a sex appeal and dreaminess about him to be a musician. He picks up the guitar every now and then, looks up chords on the internet and plays and sings to us. He learned to play the guitar when he was a teenager, saved up money for a guitar and signed up for classes and then plucked those strings until he got blisters on his fingers. To this day he has a grainy video of him with long hair performing a Metallica song on stage at an event of some sort back in his hometown of Adana. He can can sit down at the piano and figure out how to play a simple tune even though he has never even learned to play piano. And the way he sings... Ah, especially those overly dramatic Turkish songs (he translates them for me) - they will make you want to jump off the balcony.

I remember when I was young(er) and reckless, back in my smoking days, an older woman saw me with a cigarette, and in a very quiet, non-preaching voice said, "Imagine, a friend gives you a beautiful vase as a gift. You take it from your friend, spit into it and put it on the table."
"Why would I do that?" I reply, trying to figure out the point she is trying to make.
"Well, you are doing just that now. God gave you lungs to breathe, and you are spitting into his gift."

That was totally over my head back then. But I use the same metaphor now when I try to talk my husband into using his talent.

"The Universe gave you a gift", I say. "You have an obligation to the world to do something with it!" I desperately try to convince him.

In response he says something about the fact that right now we need to focus on making money, blah.. blah... blah...

Remembering that In The Artist's Way the author explains that it is FEAR that is blocking us from pursuing our creative endeavors, I ask him, "If you were guaranteed 100% that if you do the music thing, you cannot fail, would you do it?"

"Of course!", he says as his eyes light up.

(At this point I just want to shake him up and put him in a musician boot camp where people are forced into being musicians, even if it is against their will.)

For many people whose gift may not be as obvious as that of my husband, exploring your creativity is something that will not be a waste of time and energy. I am convinced that it will bring you JOY, a SENSE of FULFILMENET, CONFIDENCE, and those qualities will affect all areas of your life - health, nutrition, choice of friends, overall outlook on life, and maybe the whole course of your life!

If you feel that you can use a little more joy, a little more creativity in your life, get a copy of the book The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron and see if any of it resonates with you. As the author says, “Leap, and the net will appear.”

Until next time, my friend! May the New Year be your MOST CREATIVE YEAR yet, the year when you ALLOW and CONSCIOUSLY INVITE more JOY into your life, when you allow your inner child to do the things she or he yearns for. Be JOYFUL and be well!

Francesca Bliss

What the East Coast Tantra Festival taught me - my 5 most profound revelations

As I am driving up a mountain, the fog gets denser, the road starts spiraling more, and my heart constricts inside my chest. I am supposedly almost there, but I remember seeing somewhere on a website that if a GPS leads you up the mountain, then you are going the wrong way. But which way am I supposed to go? I can't call my husband because there is no cell phone reception in this area. I drive up, then back down, and then after connecting with my husband (and common sense inside me), crying a little bit to release the tension, I drive up again and finally find it, Abrams Creek Campground, where the East Coast Tantra Festival would unfold for the following five days.

When I first learned about the Tantra Festival from a newsletter by our local tantra healer Lourdes Starshower, it piqued my interest and I told my husband, "There is a festival in West  Virginia for four days..." Before I could even finish the sentence, he said, "Go. I will take care of them." Leaving my two toddlers at home, my two sweet little babies, for five days would be the longest I have ever been away from them. Focusing on the opportunity to photograph in such a beautiful nature setting, I didn't even think about what an impact this event would have on my life.

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"Where am I? How weird are these people? That guys is coughing like a crazy maniac, am I going to be sick from him? How strangely that guy dances... And that bold guy with long hair looks like a weirdo. I can't believe that girl is just dancing around nude. I am just going to pretend to dance right here and see what everyone else does. If it doesn't get better, I will just go back home tomorrow." were my thoughts on the first evening of the festival.

And then when the opening ceremony starts and Eugene guides us through some breathing and grounding exercises, and somehow magically I relax and settle into myself. And then by the next morning I feel like such a huge wave of love washes over me and I find myself in love with everyone. I take this photo below and then come over to this guy and say, "Would you like to share a hug?" And he accepts with a beaming smile. "I am not the same person I was 24 hours ago", says another man, who asked to be excluded from being photographed, and it on point explains exactly how I feel about being here.

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And as I get to know these people over a few days of the festival, the nude girl turns out to be an artist who shared with me that being nude really allows her to connect to the creative source and to be authentically herself. The guy who had a coughing fit is an energy-sensitive man who starts coughing when he takes on other people’s energy. The strange looking man turned out to be a simple sweet man who shared with me that he feels not lovable. And the dancing Japanese man told me how he beat cancer and how dancing was part of his healing journey. I got to know these and other beautiful people and their stories and just hearing those stories changed me.

I experienced so much love and learned so much during those five days in the woods in the mountains. Please note that few of my revelations below are my impressions about the experience as a whole, but there were so many revelations in each of the individual workshops of the festival. The struggle every day was to decide which workshops to attend as there usually were two workshops happening at the same time.

I learned to really ponder the question "How are you?"

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I observed how a young girl with piercing blue eyes, luminescent white skin, and striking red hair was asked a simple question that we hear dozens of times every day, "How are you doing?" She paused, fixated her eyes on something, and then, as if looking within, slowly started answering that question, as if answering it for herself. "I worked all morning, I was giving, now I am ready to receive." It was remarkable that she connected with her body to see how she really felt, and it was not an answer that she had already prepared in her mind in response to a potential question like that, the typical "I am tired". Neither did she blurt out "I am fine", as we often do and thus don't give this simple yet profound question the thought it deserves, the thought YOU deserve.

How am I doing?

How am I feeling?

What might my body need today?

How can I take care of myself today?

Maybe your body needs a nice stretch, or it is craving fruit, or maybe you want to go for a walk. If we listen, our bodies give us clues, and we make conscious choices of what we truly desire...

When I asked myself that question at one of the workshops at the East Coast Tantra Festival, my body told me that it was craving fruit. Such a small request for fresh fruit, and you can imagine how delicious it was when I satisfied that craving. The food at the festival was very natural and healthy with no refined sugars, and I guess I was just craving something sweet.

I discovered the power of a hug.

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I am walking on a woody path back to our cabin from the big Shakti dome, where workshops are held. on my path I meet a slender young man with long curly blond hair. "My name is Francesca", I say, to which he replies, "My name is Dan. Would you like to share a hug?"

Americans don't hug "properly". They don't even kiss. They reach their arms wide to embrace you and then when you think they are going to kiss you on the cheek because they are reaching over close to your ear, they barely touch your cheek with theirs and then they move back to the initial starting position, leaving me in a perplexed "was it a hug or was it a kiss", "what the fuck was that?" state. It usually throws me off for the first few minutes of the interaction that follows (because I usually accidentally kiss them on an ear or neck expecting a kiss and the weird "hug me but don't touch me" is disturbing), and thus not only does it not connect, but its fakeness just throws me off and I might have been better off with a handshake or nothing at all, Russian style.

So when I heard " Would you like to share a hug?", I had never heard anyone ask me that question before. And when I heard that question, every particle in my body wanted that hug and it was with great satisfaction that I shared it. It was beautiful. How it was asked and the real-ness of it, and you can imagine how connecting it was.

I learned that "No" is a full sentence.

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Having to say "no" had been an uncomfortable thing for me.

"No, I don't want to buy this product."

"No, I don't have time for this."

"No, I don't want the third serving of your delicious Turkish food."

I used to see "no" as rejection when it was said to me, and when I was saying "no" to others, I felt like I was depriving them of something. No wonder when it was time to say it or hear it, it just created a swarm of uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions.

When I saw a Cuddle Party on the schedule of the East Coast Tantra Festival, I panicked. "Maybe I just won't go", I thought. "And I can drive back to the airport tomorrow morning". Then it was explained to me that with all of the workshops at the festival, I don't need to participate in them, and I can just watch, I felt like a weight of giant mountain fell off my shoulders and I went to the Cuddle Party, as curiosity washed over me.

"Let's get the hardest thing out of the way first", Monique Darling, the workshop presenter says, "You are going to turn to your partner right now, and ask "Can I kiss you?" and the other person will say "No", to which you will respond "Thank you for taking care of yourself."

You see, when people say "no" to you, they are not rejecting you, they are taking care of themselves."

And we practiced that.

And then we practiced "Will you kiss me?" - "No" - "Thank you for taking care of yourself."

And having practiced that, those words really sank in. And the way I started seeing the whole thing changed from rejection and having to deprive someone of something to empowerment and celebration. How beautiful it is that I when I say "No", I am actually choosing what is good for me, choosing what I want, and how empowering it feels. And what a celebration it is when I see that someone else does the same for themselves, and instead of a "awww, how come you said no?" I congratulate them by saying "thank you for taking care of yourself."

That night we also talked about consent. About consent to be touched. "Is it ok if I touch your hand?" Is it ok if I run my hand up your arm and touch your shoulder?" Who talks like that, right? How often do we touch other people during a conversation as a way to connect with them? And then I thought about my daughters, whose Turkish relatives insist on grabbing them by the cheek at any moment, grabbing them and forcing them into a hug or kiss. "Alsu, go kiss your uncle hello. Lila, give so-and-so a hug."

"When you touch someone without their permission, you are taking away their voice" explained Monique. Tears started pouring down my cheeks...

I ask my daughter if I can kiss her. Sometimes she says no, and since she is only three and a half now, at those moments I feel like the time I have left to kiss and hug her is running out, because she is going to grow up so fast, and then forget about it. But I must respect her. And now, instead of ordering them to go kiss or hug someone, I ask "Do you want to kiss your uncle hello?" It usually is a yes. But at least it is their choice, their will.

"No" is a complete sentence.

How empowering is that?

No, I cannot help you right now because I am taking care of myself. And you don't even need to explain that, because you know. It eliminates the need to say sorry twenty five times or apologize every time you say "no", and THAT makes you more powerful. I feel like every time you say "sorry" you are apologizing for your existence, and diminishes your worth, your being, your presence (not to be confused with a sincere apology where necessary, you see my point, right?)

I learned to really give people a chance before jumping to conclusions

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This one requires ongoing practice, but the lesson of it that I had at the East Coast Tantra Festival was so powerful, that I speak about it all the time and really take it to heart.

When the festival started, there was a group of people that was already there and then new groups of people arrived every day and especially when the weekend started. I was photographing one of the workshops, which meant that I could hide behind the camera and observe but not really dive in and be a part of it. I see this man in his late forties-early fifties, he has white hair and he is wearing a muscle tee, and he has kind of a goofy smile and his spine has this arch in his lower back which gives him a straight posture but makes his butt stick out a little. "Redneck",  I think to myself. "How can I think things like that when I am filled with love?" I quickly judge myself and re-focus my attention on something else in order to avoid the guilt and shame that would follow.

And when that same man opens his mouth to do a share after an exercise, I cannot take my eyes off him, because I am hypnotized by how beautifully and eloquently he speaks. I love books and I love to write and I admire people who have a way with words and I admire that man! As a matter of fact, I want to be like him! "Gosh, if I could speak like that, I would move mountains!" And after that we connect again during dinner and my whole perception of him different. His name is Doug, and not only is there no longer a wall of judgment between us, but only love for him, when I see his beautiful warm, sincere smile.

I learned how liberating it really is to be nude in the nature.

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Frankly, I had not been around nudists and naturists prior to attending the festival, so at first, seeing women topless or completely nude as well as nude men was a bit shocking. Curiously, after a short period of time, I stopped noticing their nudity. In addition to a sense of shock and curiosity, I felt jealousy for those people. They looked free. It wasn't something that I assigned to them, that sense of freedom really came from inside them. I admired them.

And as a photographer who decided to make fine art nude photography one of my specialties, I was in nude model paradise. There were so many people who were willing to pose nude for me - I felt elated!

One morning, woken up by sounds of a small creature walking on the roof of our cabin I decided to just stay awake. I went to the kitchen where a giant beautiful man named Apollo made coffee for me from his personal coffee press that he brings with him everywhere he travels, I shared a hug with him and went to explore the campground, which I hadn't really had a chance to do, even though it was day three of the festival. I listened to the power of the creek, which was carrying sediment and water from days worth of rain, sounds of birds and whisper of giant trees. I touched bright green velvety moss that covered tree trunks and giant boulders as big as my rental car. I smelled the forest, the humidity of the air and soil. I saw and smelled mushrooms growing like a skirt around a trunk of a tree five times thicker than me. I took hundreds of photos of reflections in a puddle of mud on a dirt road and then, naturally, stepped into that puddle getting my sneakers wet, but it was totally worth it. I hugged trees and climbed large rocks near the creek. I was high on nature and on caffeine. I walked everywhere and wanted to notice every detail. Every leaf, every drop of water was such an inspiration to me. And at that moment I realized that I, too, am a part of this forest. I, too, am wild and a work of art. I, too, am to be reveled and marveled at and at that point I felt that wearing all these clothes on me was unnecessary. I wanted to disrobe and get nude and stand in the middle of that creek and make a loud noise to tell nature that I am there, that I, too, am a part of it.

On the last day of the festival, right before lunch, I knew I had to cease this new found freedom in me and do it. I asked Edyta to photograph me.

It was raining. Edyta was holding my camera wrapped in my sweater so it wouldn't get wet in one hand, and holding her umbrella in the other, trying to balance on slippery from moss and water rocks, followed me to the spot where I wanted to be photographed. It was a perfect spot right behind our cabin that I had scouted out earlier. One of the disadvantages of being nude is that you get cold, especially if it rains. (But it made my nipples look good so I didn't mind :)) My heart was racing, I felt a rush, I felt brave, I felt like I honored myself, but honestly, I am going to have to do it again, because with all due respect and gratitude for Edyta's photography skills (and also perhaps I am too critical of myself) the photos did not turn out to my liking... Well, at least I have the memory of what it felt like.

And I also want to do it again so that I can learn to appreciate, love and admire my body more, and to experience again that breathtaking freedom that comes from not hiding behind anything and truly being one with nature.

I felt that I had to have that experience in order to really understand what people who come to me with their bare souls and allow me to photograph them nude. Since many of those people are not nudists, the high and liberation I experienced getting nude in nature must be similar to what they feel when I photograph them.

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There were a lot of other miracles of synchronicity and small revelations at the festival. There was a beautiful concert by Fia, a Swedish singer who writes heart opening songs, during whose entire concert I cried (while taking photos and video nevertheless!) There were a lot of tears, a lot of healing, a lot of heart opening and being able to see beauty in others. I felt that I dissolved into all those people who were there and fell in love with each and every one of them. It was ecstatic. And I will cherish that experience forever and will seek it out again, this time bringing my husband with me.

Click here for information about East Coast Tantra Festival 2019.

Did you like my story? Please leave me a comment, I would love to hear from you!

how I became Francesca Bliss

My parents named me Masha, or Maria, which are the same name in Russian. My given name was something that I lived with for many years, never hating or loving my name, just being ok with it, I suppose. I was also ok with who I was, but not in total acceptance of myself and full of fears and limitations. One day, when I was working at a language school where I got to meet a lot of people from different countries, I met a young woman from Argentina. She came in with her boyfriend to inquire about learning English and getting a student visa as a way to stay in the country.  The woman must have been in her early thirties - tall, well-built, thin, long thick black hair, and an aquiline nose which did not spoil her looks, but, on the contrary, gave her that je ne sais quoi. She was impeccably dressed, simple yet tasteful jewelry adorning her fingers and wrists. I was fascinated by how she looked. I was fascinated with how she spoke - not rushed, taking her time, confidently, basking in her glory with each word she uttered. When she was impressed or surprised by something, she would say "increíble", in a sing-songy way (mind you, the entire conversation was in English,  and "increíble" means incredible in Spanish). I wanted to be this woman. I wanted to be as confident as she, I wanted to take my time when expressing my thoughts and have the whole roomful of people looking at my mouth waiting to catch the next word. This woman's name was Francesca, and that day I decided that my alter ego would be named Francesca and that I would be just like her. Limitless, confident, extraordinary.  

Several years had passed before I remembered about my Francesca. Then one day, when looking for inspiration about what to write for my Spanish classes, I started writing about her in my not yet perfect Spanish. My wonderful teacher Rosario would painstakingly correct my mistakes and encourage me to continue writing as Francesca's story and adventures seemed to amuse her. I kept writing and as stories emerged, Francesca became more real to me, even though she was just a personage in my homework assignments. 

When I delved into photography and a couple of years later was faced with a question of choosing a name for my photography business, I did not want it to be my given name because it seemed too prosaic. So I came up with a whole list of names such as soulful photography, eye of the beholder, soul reflections, inner light photography, etc. I wanted the name to reflect that my photography went beyond the skin-deep, but glimpsed at the subject's soul and revealed her or his essence (and mine, essentially).  After googling all the names that I came up with, it turned that all of them already belonged to some other photographer and it left me no other choice but to continue searching for THE name.

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After a photoshoot with Paul Anthony II, a South Florida reggae artist, we sat down in a Starbucks and I asked for his ideas for my photography business name. I told him about Francesca, and he suggested that I name my business Francesca Something, so it would be a name, a pseudonym. Then a few weeks later I was visiting my beautiful friend Victoria aka Tara White - an artist, a loving soul, and a dear friend. I told her the story and added that I want the word "bliss" to be a part of the name because bliss is what I felt when I was doing photography. "Francesca Bliss", she said. "The name it Francesca Bliss. YOU ARE Francesca Bliss".

I was blown away. That was it! That was THE NAME, though it would take some getting used to the idea of having a pseudonym, and practice telling people that my artistic name was Francesca Bliss, and not worry that they would think I was crazy. Some still do, but it all comes from within. And I stand firm in my truth that I am an artist and my name is Francesca Bliss. 

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more about my photography journey and life:

from the goddess store:

follow your bliss

I always dreamt of being a photographer and have been fascinated with photography for years. In May of 2012, when I realized that I can have the life of my dreams if I dare to do the things that bring me joy, I bought a camera and resolved to learn photography. Having acquired the most important piece of equipment for the task, I signed up for two classes at a local art school (Boca Raton Museum of Art School) - Introduction to Digital Photography and Photoshop for Beginners. I learned a lot during those classes and was in a constant state of euphoria from being immersed into this environment. In the introduction to photography the teacher gave us several assignments: to photograph a window, a self portrait, a portrait, and a person in a mask. Before I had signed up for that class I was convinced that most of my photography subjects would be animals and all of nature in general with all its beautiful detailed manifestations in particular. However, having done the last project on photographing a person in a mask (my at that time friend had a mask and volunteered herself for the project), I realized that I am irresistibly drawn to photographing humans. I fell in love with people since then and continue to be to this day. My most exciting photo shoots are the ones in which the subject is photographed not in their usual environment being their daily selves but where he or she comes up with a theme or dares to play out a fantasy or a dream. The latter type of photo shoot requires more preparation - searching for the right outfit and accessories, location, poses and trying to really convey a certain emotional state. This is also the type of shoot during which people realize that being a model is not as easy as it sounds - being able to communicate through your body, facial expressions and eyes is no easy task! These types of photo shoots leave my models ecstatic - it is not every day that you get to play dress up and reenact a dream and then feel like a star when looking at the professionally edited images. Being able to contribute to that state of joy is what makes me ecstatic about what I do - showing people how beautiful they are, inspiring people to dream and convincing them that dreams come true. Mine did. 

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